Accompanying puberty: Impulses for parents and teenagers

There are moments when you look at your own child and ask yourself: Who are you right now? Just a moment ago, your teenager wanted to cuddle; now they roll their eyes when you say the wrong thing. Adolescence is one of the most intense phases of life we know—for teenagers themselves and for everyone who supports them. And it’s not just chaos. It’s also a time of new beginnings.

This article is for all parents, caregivers, and people who still remember what it feels like to no longer want to be a child but not quite be an adult yet. Together, we’ll take a closer look: at what teenagers really need during puberty, what lies behind the mood swings and withdrawal—and how to support them without being overbearing.

What Really Happens During Puberty – It’s More Than Just Hormones

When we talk about puberty, many people first think of hormones. And yes—they play a crucial role. Estrogen, testosterone, cortisol: they change not only the body but also the brain. The prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for planning, impulse control, and decision-making, doesn’t fully mature in adolescents until much later—in some cases well into their twenties. That explains a lot.

But behind the outward changes lies something even deeper: a genuine identity crisis in the positive sense. Adolescents begin to question themselves. Who am I? What do I believe? What do I want? Which group do I belong to? These questions are not adolescent whims—they are the foundation for a fulfilling adult life.

At the same time, the social environment undergoes a fundamental shift. Peers gain importance, while parents temporarily lose influence—from a developmental psychology perspective, this is not only normal but necessary. Those who understand this can react very differently as adults: with less hurt and more composure.

Identity in the Making: The Great Quest of Adolescence

Finding one’s identity is at the heart of puberty. Psychologists refer to this as a phase in which one’s self-image is renegotiated—often loudly, sometimes quietly, sometimes confusingly for everyone involved. Teenagers try out roles like they try on clothes: Today they’re part of the sports team, tomorrow they’re suddenly interested in art, and the day after that they want to go vegan. This isn’t a contradiction. It’s a search.

In astrology, the Saturn Return—that moment when Saturn returns to its starting point after about 29 years—is considered a major milestone of maturation in adult life. But even during puberty, every person experiences something like a first cosmic call: an inner voice asking who they really are. This voice deserves respect—even if it sometimes expresses itself through provocative outfits or loud music.

For parents, this means, in concrete terms: less interpreting, more observing. Those who allow their teenager to experiment without immediately judging them give them the most valuable space for development of all: freedom with a safety net.

Understanding Mood Swings Instead of Fighting Them

Cheerful in the morning, irritable at noon, in tears by evening—and all without any apparent reason. Mood swings are among the most well-known side effects of puberty and are also one of the biggest sources of stress in family life. But what’s behind them?

The limbic system, the brain’s emotional center, is particularly active during puberty. Emotions are experienced more intensely than ever before. What may seem like a minor issue to adults—a snide comment in class, a glance too many from a best friend—can feel like an emotional catastrophe to a teenager. That’s not an exaggeration. It’s biology.

What helps: validation instead of downplaying. Instead of “It’s not that bad,” try: “That sounds really tough. Would you like to tell me what happened?” This small difference in wording can mean the difference between the conversation ending and genuine connection.

At the same time, parents are also allowed to set their own boundaries. Empathy doesn’t mean putting up with everything. A calm “I can tell you’re really upset right now. Let’s talk again in twenty minutes” is both respectful and clear.

Impulse from Mia, wellness expert at 7zen "Young people don't need perfect parents. They need real people who remain reliable despite all the friction - like a lighthouse that always burns, even when the sea is stormy."

The Desire for Independence – and How Parents Can Deal With It

“You don’t understand me anyway.” Many parents have heard this phrase. And it hurts. But there’s something important behind it: Teenagers want and need to break away. This isn’t an attack on the relationship—it’s a biologically programmed step toward independence.

The desire for independence manifests itself in many ways: retreating to their own room, insisting on making their own decisions, and distancing themselves from their parents’ opinions. From a developmental psychology perspective, this is healthy. It only becomes problematic when this separation leads to complete isolation or when parents resist so strongly that there is no room left for independence.

The art lies in guided letting go. Not: “Do whatever you want.” But also not: “You do what I say.” Rather: “I trust you to make decisions—and I’ll be there if you fall.” In concrete terms, this can mean giving the teenager real areas of responsibility: their own room, their own time on the weekend, their own friendships.

Communication During Puberty: When Talking Helps and When Silence Does

Many parents complain: “My child doesn’t talk to me anymore.” And often that’s true. But communicating with teenagers follows different rules than communicating with younger children. Confrontational conversations—“Sit down, we need to talk”—often provoke resistance. Casual moments usually work better: cooking together, a car ride, a walk.

It’s also important to learn to listen without jumping in to solve the problem right away. Parents often default to problem-solving mode: When a child shares something, advice, warnings, or attempts to downplay the issue follow immediately. Teenagers often don’t want that. They want to be heard. A simple “That sounds really tough” can be more effective than ten well-meaning tips.

At the same time, silence shouldn’t become a permanent state. If a teenager withdraws completely, stops seeking contact, and shows signs of deep despondency, professional support is advisable—whether through school counseling, psychological support, or other trust-building services.

Three Communication Principles for Parents of Teenagers

• Ask questions instead of making statements: “How was that for you?” instead of “That certainly wasn’t easy for you.”
• Leave space: Don’t fill every silence. Sometimes it takes a moment for teenagers to start talking.
• Be present without pushing: Simply being there—at dinner, while watching a movie, or just hanging out—is often more valuable than a structured conversation.

Setting Boundaries with Dignity – for Both Sides

A common misconception: that guidance means allowing everything. The opposite is true. Clear boundaries are an expression of care—not punishment, but guidance. Teenagers need both: the freedom to explore and the security of knowing someone is holding the line.

Boundaries work well when they are explained. Not: “Because I say so.” But rather: “I’m worried about your sleep if you’re up until two in the morning. That’s why I’d like you to put your phone away by midnight at the latest during the week.” This kind of reasoning respects the teenager as a thinking person and invites discussion—which is a good thing.

Of course, there will be pushback. And sometimes negotiation makes sense. But not all boundaries are up for discussion—and parents should make that clear. Consistency is key here: A boundary that applies today but not tomorrow confuses more than it guides.

Self-Care for Parents: You Can Only Give What You Have

This section is directed specifically at adults: Guiding teenagers through puberty is emotionally draining. The feeling of rejection, the worries, the sleepless nights, the constant balancing act between letting go and holding on—it takes a toll.

Self-care is therefore not a given, but a necessity. If you’re drained yourself, you can’t be fully present. This can mean:

• Consciously scheduling time for yourself—even when daily life is hectic.
• Seeking support: Talking with friends going through similar experiences, joining parent groups, seeking coaching, or attending couples therapy.
• Reflecting on your own adolescence: What was missing for me back then? What would I have needed? These questions often open up unexpected sources of empathy.
• Letting go of the expectation that you always have the right answer. Parenting is not a competitive sport.

In the wellness tradition that 7zen draws upon, a simple principle applies: Balance comes not from control, but from awareness. Those who know themselves and treat themselves well are a more stable anchor for their own child.

Puberty and the Digital World – An Underestimated Topic

No article about young people and puberty today would be complete without a look at the digital world. Social media, smartphones, video games—they are part of the reality of life for this generation. And they are changing how identity is negotiated.

Today, teenagers don’t just compare themselves to their classmates, but to filtered ideal images from all over the world. The ideal of beauty is digitally perfected; social life is public. This pressure is real—and it deserves to be taken seriously, not dismissed with “Just turn off your phone.”

Dialogue is more helpful: What do you like about the things you see there? How does it feel when you scroll for a long time? Is there content that’s good for you? These questions help young people develop their own critical perspective on media—without parents having to become the enemy of technology.

Concrete measures can still be useful: phone-free times during meals, no screens an hour before bed, mutually agreed-upon rules instead of one-sided bans. The difference between guidelines and bans lies in the process—and teenagers notice very clearly whether they were included in the decision or not.

When Professional Support Becomes Necessary

There are moments during adolescence when parental support isn’t enough—and that’s not a weakness, but a reality. Some teens need professional support to get through particularly difficult phases. When is that the case?

• When a teenager withdraws from others on a long-term basis and barely maintains any social contacts.
• When sleep, appetite, or school performance decline significantly over an extended period.
• When the teenager reports feelings of hopelessness or worthlessness.
• When self-harming behavior or substance use emerges.
• When family communication breaks down completely.

In these cases, it is important to seek help early on—from a pediatrician, a psychological counseling center, or the school psychologist. This is not a failure. It is responsibility.

Sometimes all it takes is a neutral third party—a trusted person outside the family, a coach, an uncle—to whom the teenager is more likely to open up than to their parents. That’s okay. Parental love is also shown by allowing that to happen.

Puberty comes to an end. That may sound trite, but it’s a truth that offers comfort during particularly turbulent times. The child who slams the door today will eventually return—changed, more mature, and with a clearer sense of self. And the relationship that remains alive during this time, despite all the friction, is the foundation upon which this return takes place.

As Julia from our team often says: Puberty is not the enemy of the relationship. It is its toughest test—and at the same time the chance to build it on a new, more mature foundation. A foundation of respect, trust, and the quiet certainty: I am here. No matter how loud things are right now.

Perhaps that is the deepest form of support: not wanting to lead, but walking alongside. Not warding off every storm, but showing that you can weather them. Not being the perfect mother or father—but the real person who stays.

At what age does puberty begin and how long does it last?

Puberty usually begins between the ages of 8 and 13 for girls and a little later for boys, often between the ages of 9 and 14. The duration varies greatly - it usually lasts between three and seven years. Brain maturation, which is part of puberty, is also not complete for some people until their mid-twenties. There are no fixed limits and each person goes through this phase at their own pace.

As a parent, how can I maintain a good connection with my teenager?

Bonding during puberty is often not achieved through direct conversations, but through joint activities without pressure. Cooking, a movie, a walk - casual closeness is often more effective than planned conversations. It is also important to respect what is important to the teenager - even if you have other interests yourself. Listening without immediately judging or giving advice strengthens trust in the long term.

My child has stopped talking to me. What should I do?

Withdrawal is normal during puberty and is not a sign of failure. Many teenagers need more inner space and prefer to share it with their peers. What helps: continue to be present without pushing. Make regular, low-threshold contact offers - a quick chat over dinner, a message without expecting a reply. However, if the withdrawal becomes extreme and is accompanied by other warning signs, professional advice should be sought.

As a parent, how do I set sensible boundaries without triggering a power struggle?

Boundaries are effective if they are justified and consistently adhered to. Teenagers are more likely to accept rules if they are involved in their creation - joint agreements instead of unilateral announcements. Open wording helps: "I'm worried because ... Let's find a solution together." This signals respect and a willingness to talk without relinquishing parental responsibility.

How can I tell if my teenager needs professional help?

If mood swings and withdrawal persist for several weeks, if sleep, eating or school performance drop significantly, if the teenager speaks of hopelessness or shows self-harming behavior, professional support is important. You should also not wait and see if there is severe social withdrawal or substance use. First points of contact are the pediatrician, school counseling centers or psychological counseling services for adolescents.

How do I deal with it when I reach my own limits as a parent?

This is more common than many people admit - and completely human. It is important to get support: by talking to other parents, through couples counseling, coaching or therapy. Reflecting on your own puberty can also help you to develop more empathy for your own child. Self-care is not a weakness, but a prerequisite for being a stable caregiver in the long term.