Emotion regulation: controlling feelings without suppressing them

Do you know that feeling of being completely overwhelmed by an emotion—while at the same time knowing that your reaction is anything but helpful? Or the opposite: you bottle everything up, appear perfectly fine on the outside, but feel a growing inner emptiness? What science refers to as emotion regulation lies right between these two extremes. It’s not about suppressing or getting rid of feelings—it’s about developing a conscious, healthy way of dealing with them. This article shows you what research and practice have to say about managing emotions, which strategies really work, and how you can specifically strengthen your emotional intelligence in your everyday life.

What is emotion regulation—and why is it so important?

Emotion regulation refers to all the processes through which people influence which emotions they experience, when they experience them, and how they express those feelings outwardly. This definition essentially stems from psychologist James Gross, whose process model of emotion regulation (Gross, 2015) is among the most influential frameworks in modern emotion research.

Why is this topic so relevant? Because our ability to regulate emotions influences virtually every aspect of our lives: our health, our relationships, our performance at work, and our overall well-being. People with effective regulation strategies are more resilient, communicate more clearly, and recover more quickly from difficult experiences. In contrast, a lack of or dysfunctional affect regulation is closely linked to anxiety disorders, depression, addictive behaviors, and burnout.

The key point here is that emotion regulation is not an innate trait that you either have or don’t have. It is a learnable skill—and that is precisely what makes it so valuable.

The Process Model: When and How We Can Manage Our Emotions

In his process model, James Gross (2015) describes various points at which people can intervene in the emotional process—from selecting a situation to evaluating an event to the reaction itself. This model helps us understand why some strategies are healthier in the long run than others.

Particularly insightful is the distinction between antecedent-focused and response-focused strategies. Antecedent-focused strategies intervene early in the emotional process—for example, by consciously reevaluating a stressful situation (so-called cognitive reappraisal). Reaction-focused strategies only kick in once the emotion has already arisen—the classic example is the suppression of emotional expression.

Research clearly shows: Cognitive reappraisal is superior to suppression in nearly every respect. Those who routinely suppress their feelings experience more negative affect, poorer relationship quality, and higher physical stress responses in the long term—suppression costs energy without solving the problem.

Controlling emotions doesn’t mean suppressing them

Here lies one of the most common misconceptions surrounding the topic of controlling emotions: Many people believe that those who regulate their feelings well show little emotion or make them disappear quickly. The opposite is true.

Good emotional regulation first and foremost means being able to perceive feelings at all and name them—what is referred to in technical terms as emotional granularity. Those who can distinguish between disappointment, sadness, shame, and helplessness are in a much better position to respond appropriately than someone who lumps everything together as simply “feeling bad.”

Psychologist Marsha Linehan, founder of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), explicitly emphasizes in her skills training (Linehan, DBT Skills) that the goal is not the absence of emotions, but rather reducing emotional vulnerability while maintaining the ability to experience feelings. Emotions are information—ignoring them means losing important data about ourselves and our world.

Core idea of emotion research "Emotion regulation is not about taming wild animals - it's about learning a new language. If you understand your feelings, you can talk to them instead of fighting them." - Based on Marsha Linehan's basic principle of DBT: validate feelings before trying to change them.

DBT: Skills for Healthy Emotional Management

The DBT skills training developed by Marsha Linehan (Linehan, DBT Skills) was originally designed for people with borderline personality disorder—but has proven effective for a wide range of difficulties in managing emotions. The core skills can be divided into four areas:

• Mindfulness (Inner Awareness): The non-judgmental observation of one’s own inner experience is the foundation of all other skills. Those who notice what they are feeling can act consciously rather than reacting automatically.
• Emotion regulation in the narrower sense: Specific techniques for understanding, naming, and changing emotions—for example, through physical self-care, building positive experiences, or so-called opposite actions (such as consciously standing tall instead of shrinking back when feeling shame).
• Stress tolerance: Skills for enduring intense emotions without acting impulsively—for example, through distraction, physical calming techniques, or weighing the pros and cons of an action.
• Interpersonal effectiveness: Emotional competence is also demonstrated by clearly communicating one’s own needs while maintaining relationships.

These skills are not abstract concepts—they can be trained through specific exercises and have been shown to change how the brain responds to emotional stimuli.

Emotional Coaching: What Parents and Leaders Can Learn

Developmental psychologist John Gottman has spent decades researching how adults—whether parents or leaders—deal with other people’s emotions. His concept of emotional coaching (Gottman, Emotional Coaching) describes an approach in which emotions are first acknowledged and named before boundaries are set or solutions are sought.

Gottman distinguishes between emotionally coaching and emotionally dismissive parenting and leadership styles. Children and employees who have grown up with or work in an emotionally coaching environment develop significantly better emotional intelligence, are more resilient, and exhibit fewer behavioral and health issues.

This can be applied to self-management: Those who practice emotional coaching toward themselves—that is, acknowledging, naming, and taking their own feelings seriously before attempting to change them—create an inner mindset that makes self-regulation possible in the first place. Self-compassion is not a luxury here, but a functional prerequisite.

TEK: A German Training Program for Emotional Competence

In German-speaking countries, psychologist Matthias Berking has developed a structured training program that he calls Training in Emotional Competence (TEK) (Berking, 2010). This evidence-based program brings together seven core competencies necessary for healthy emotional regulation:

• Muscle relaxation and breathing exercises for physical calm
• Acceptance and tolerance of unpleasant feelings
• Effective self-support in stressful situations
• Redirecting attention away from ruminative thoughts
• Situational analysis – understanding what triggered the emotion
• Cognitive reappraisal – developing alternative perspectives
• Readiness to act – consciously using or modifying the behavioral tendency triggered by emotion

TEK has been successfully used in clinical studies, including for depression, burnout, and anxiety disorders. Berking (2010) demonstrated that even brief training in these skills significantly improves general well-being and reduces the frequency of negative emotions—without the need to suppress them.

Emotional Intelligence: More Than Just Empathy

The term “emotional intelligence” is on everyone’s lips these days—yet it is often reduced to “having empathy” or “being nice.” The scientific construct, which was developed by Peter Salovey and John Mayer, among others, encompasses four distinct abilities:

• Recognizing and expressing emotions—in oneself and in others
• Using emotions to think – incorporating feelings as information into decision-making processes
• Understanding emotions – knowing the causes, progression, and connections of feelings
• Regulating emotions—both one’s own and the emotional influence on others

The good news: Emotional intelligence is not fixed. Those who regularly invest in emotional regulation and self-reflection demonstrably develop these skills. This manifests in better interpersonal relationships, greater resilience, and more stable mental health.

At the same time, it’s worth avoiding a common pitfall: Emotional intelligence doesn’t mean always having the right words or never losing your composure. It means regaining your composure more quickly and dealing with conflicts and stress more constructively.

Practical Strategies: Managing Emotions in Everyday Life

Theory is helpful—but what actually works when anger flares up, fear feels overwhelming, or sadness takes hold? Here are evidence-based strategies you can apply right away:

1. Name what you’re feeling

Studies show that consciously naming an emotion—even just internally—measurably reduces the activity of the amygdala (the brain’s alarm system). This process is called affect labeling. Instead of thinking “I feel bad,” try: “I’m feeling frustrated right now because my expectations weren’t met.”

2. Physically downregulate

The autonomic nervous system responds to physical signals. Slow, deep exhalation (longer than the inhalation) activates the parasympathetic nervous system and reduces physiological arousal. The so-called 4-7-8 method—inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 7 seconds, exhale for 8 seconds—is a simple and well-researched technique.

3. Practice cognitive reappraisal

Ask yourself: "How would I view this situation in a year?" or "What would a supportive friend say about this?" According to Gross (2015), this type of perspective shift is one of the most effective and, at the same time, gentlest regulation strategies.

4. Recognize the impulse to act and choose consciously

Every emotion is accompanied by a tendency to act: fear wants to flee, anger wants to attack, shame wants to hide. Those who recognize this tendency can decide whether to follow it—or consciously choose a different action (opposite action, according to Linehan).

5. Self-compassion instead of self-criticism

Researcher Kristin Neff has shown (Neff, 2003) that people who treat themselves with compassion are better able to cope with negative emotions—not because they ignore problems, but because they invest less energy in spirals of self-critical thoughts and have more available for constructive coping.

When Professional Help Is Recommended

Self-help strategies can be very effective—but they have their limits. If you notice that intense emotions are consistently disrupting your daily life, you can barely tolerate your feelings anymore, or you repeatedly find yourself acting impulsively in ways you later regret, then seeking professional help can be an important step.

Therapeutic approaches such as the aforementioned Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) by Linehan have proven particularly effective, as have Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and cognitive behavioral therapy with a focus on emotion regulation. Berking’s TEK program (2010) is also increasingly being offered in group and individual settings.

Seeking professional help is not a sign of weakness—it is one of the wisest decisions you can make for your long-term mental health. And it shows that you take your feelings seriously instead of ignoring them.

Learning Emotional Regulation: A Lifelong Process

Anyone who expects to be a master of emotion regulation after a weekend workshop or two weeks of mindfulness practice is bound to be disappointed—and that’s a good thing. Because that disappointment itself is an opportunity to practice regulation skills.

Emotional competence develops over time, through experience, reflection, and—most importantly—through repeated practice in real moments of challenge. The brain changes through experience (neuroplasticity), and every time you pause and consciously choose how to respond to a feeling, you strengthen the neural pathways that make exactly that easier in the future.

This also means: setbacks are part of the process. Days when you lose your temper, break down, or fall back into old patterns are not proof that you “can’t do it”—they are part of the learning process. As Gottman’s research on emotional coaching shows: It’s not about never failing, but about turning back to yourself and others time and again.

Get to know your feelings better

The Coaching Cards invite you to reflect on your emotions every day and to deal with them lovingly.

Your daily companion for inner growth

With the 7zen app, you receive daily coaching impulses, guided breathing exercises and personal reflections - all based on your individual profile.

What is the difference between emotion regulation and emotion suppression?

Emotion regulation encompasses all the strategies we use to consciously influence our feelings - from cognitively re-evaluating a situation to physically calming ourselves down. Suppression is just one - and according to research one of the most unhealthy - of these strategies. Suppression means having the feeling internally but not showing it externally or consciously pushing it away. This costs a lot of energy, increases negative affect in the long term and puts a strain on relationships. Healthy emotion regulation, on the other hand, aims to recognize, understand and deal with feelings constructively - not to make them disappear.

Can emotion regulation really be trained or is it innate?

Emotion regulation can be learned to a large extent. Although genetic predisposition and early attachment experiences play a role in how easy or difficult it is for us to regulate our emotions, the brain is plastic. Structured training programs such as Berking's TEK (2010) or Linehan's DBT skills show significant improvements in emotional competence in clinical studies. Regular mindfulness practice, psychotherapy and consciously practicing regulatory strategies in everyday life have been shown to change how the brain reacts to emotional stimuli.

What do I do when an emotion is so strong that I can't think clearly?

When emotional arousal is very high - experts speak of a state of emotional flooding - the prefrontal cortex (our thinking and planning center) is temporarily less accessible. In such moments, body-based techniques can initially help: slow, deep exhalation, cold water on the face, brief physical exercise or progressive muscle relaxation. Only when the physiological arousal has decreased are cognitive strategies such as reappraisal really accessible. The DBT concept of stress tolerance according to Linehan offers concrete tools here.

How are emotion regulation and mental illness connected?

Difficulties in emotion regulation - i.e. affect regulation - are a central feature of many mental illnesses, including depression, anxiety disorders, borderline personality disorder, addictions and eating disorders. This does not mean that poor emotion regulation necessarily leads to an illness, but it is an important risk factor. Conversely, the targeted promotion of emotional regulation skills is a central element of many effective forms of therapy. Those who build up regulation skills at an early stage also protect themselves preventively.

Can emotional intelligence be measured?

Yes - but the measurement is complex. There are two main approaches: Ability tests, which actually test how well someone perceives, understands and regulates emotions (much like an IQ test sets thinking tasks), and self-report instruments, where people assess their own emotional competence. Both approaches have strengths and weaknesses. In research, ability tests are considered more valid because self-assessments can be distorted by blind spots. For everyday life, however, the question is more important than a measured value: do I understand my feelings better than before - and do I deal with them more constructively?

How can I start to improve my emotion regulation in everyday life?

The best way to start is small and concrete: start by pausing once a day for one to two minutes and naming the emotions you are currently experiencing - without judging whether they are justified. This simple naming has been proven to reduce emotional reactivity. In addition, we recommend learning a simple breathing technique (such as extended exhalation) and using it in moments of heightened tension. If you want to go deeper, you can find structured programs in Berking's TEK (2010) or in DBT-based self-help books - and if difficulties persist, it's worth going to a specialist.

Emotional regulation isn’t a goal you reach once and then check off your list. It’s a daily practice—sometimes easier, sometimes harder. But every moment you pause, listen to your feelings, and consciously choose how to respond is a step toward greater inner freedom.

Your action step for today: Take five minutes this evening and write down three emotions you felt throughout the day. Describe them as precisely as possible—not just “stressed” or “good,” but perhaps “impatient,” “proud,” or “slightly overwhelmed.” For each one, ask yourself: What triggered it? How did I react—and was that helpful? This small ritual strengthens precisely the ability that all major concepts—from Gross to Linehan to Berking—identify as the foundation: the conscious awareness of one’s own inner experience. Because those who know themselves can also guide themselves—without losing themselves in the process.