Reparenting: being the parent you needed yourself to be

Maybe you’re familiar with this feeling: A thoughtless comment from a coworker hits you harder than it really should. Or you notice that you keep putting yourself down in relationships, even though you know you don’t have to. Sometimes we don’t react like the adults we are today—but like the children we once were. Reparenting is a psychological approach that addresses exactly this: It invites us to give ourselves the care, security, and guidance that may have been missing in childhood. It’s not an esoteric concept or a self-help therapy guide—but rather a compassionate, scientifically grounded path to getting to know and care for ourselves better.

What "reparenting" Actually Means

The term “reparenting”—sometimes also called “self-parenting” or “inner reparenting”—describes the process of developing parental qualities toward oneself: warmth, guidance, protection, and the ability to take one’s own needs seriously. The idea is that many patterns that weigh on us today have their roots in early experiences—and that as adults, we are certainly capable of gently changing these patterns.

This may sound strange at first: yourself as a parent? But the idea behind it is obvious. As children, we depend on other people to mirror us, calm us, set boundaries, and encourage us. If these experiences were incomplete—whether due to overwhelmed parents, loss, emotional coldness, or other difficult circumstances—internal beliefs can form, such as: I’m not good enough, I’m not allowed to have needs, closeness is dangerous. Reparenting can be a way to gently counteract these old beliefs—not by rewriting the past, but through new experiences in the here and now.

It is important to emphasize: Reparenting in the therapeutic sense is a guided process. This article provides background information and can offer initial inspiration—but it is not a substitute for professional counseling or therapy.

The Roots: Where Does This Approach Come From?

The term “reparenting” has its roots in transactional analysis, a psychological approach developed by Eric Berne in the 1950s. Jacqui Lee Schiff played a pivotal role in shaping it: In her 1975 work on transactional analysis, Schiff described how people can develop new internal parental figures through targeted relational experiences—originally within a therapeutic setting. The idea was revolutionary: what was missing in early attachment could be made up for to a certain extent through later experiences.

Decades later, schema therapy, as developed by Jeffrey Young, took up this idea and expanded upon it. In schema therapy, reparenting is described as one of the central therapeutic strategies: The inner adult—a conscious, caring, and realistic part of the personality—learns to meet the wounded inner child with understanding and guidance. The goal is to change destructive schemas—that is, deep negative beliefs about oneself and the world—through new relational experiences.

Emotion-Focused Therapy (Elliott & Greenberg, 2007) also works with similar principles: It emphasizes that emotional healing processes often become possible when people learn to treat themselves with a kind of inner warmth and care—rather than with their usual inner critic.

The Inner Adult: A Resource Within Us

A central concept in reparenting is the so-called inner adult. This does not refer to adulthood in the sense of control or rationality at any cost—but rather an inner attitude that can be both compassionate and clear. The inner adult can meet a wounded, fearful, or overwhelmed inner self and say: I am here. It’s okay. I’ll take care of you.

For many people, it can feel unfamiliar at first to even develop this inner voice. Some report that they are much stricter with their own needs than with those of other people—friends, children, colleagues. The question reparenting poses might be: What would you say to a beloved child who is going through exactly what you are going through right now? The answer to this can be surprisingly gentle—and reveals what many rarely allow themselves.

Research in the field of self-compassion—such as that by Kristin Neff—suggests that a benevolent inner attitude toward oneself can be linked to greater emotional well-being and more resilience in difficult moments. Reparenting and self-compassion share many similarities: both invite us to treat ourselves the way we would treat a loved one.

From schema therapy In schema therapy, reparenting is understood as a process in which the healthy adult part learns to meet the wounded inner child with warmth, boundaries and orientation - just as a good parent would. The aim is not to change the past, but to experience new inner relationship patterns in the here and now. (Young, Klosko & Weishaar, schema therapy)

Re-nurturing: What the Inner Child Really Needs

The term “reparenting” is appearing more and more in German-speaking psychological circles—and perhaps captures the essence of reparenting better than any other word. Reparenting means giving the inner child what it would have needed back then: security, the feeling of being seen, genuine affection, but also clear and loving boundaries.

What this means in concrete terms is different for every person. Some feel that what they lacked most as children was emotional resonance—someone who would have truly listened without immediately offering solutions. Others recall a lack of physical warmth, or messages like “Pull yourself together” and “It’s not that bad.” Still others grew up with plenty of love but little structure and are now searching internally for guidance.

The Reparenting approach is not about judging parents or seeing oneself as a victim forever. Many parents did the best they could with their own resources and experiences. Rather, it is about recognizing: What was missing back then—and how can I give that to myself today?

Internal Reparenting in Everyday Life – What That Might Look Like

Inner reparenting doesn’t require special rituals or hours-long exercises. It can manifest in everyday moments—and perhaps that’s actually the most effective approach. Here are a few strategies that some people find helpful:

• Internal dialogue: If you notice that you’re being hard on yourself, it might help to pause and ask: What would I say to a good friend who’s going through the same thing right now? Maybe you’d like to try saying those words to yourself.
• Taking needs seriously: Hunger, exhaustion, the desire for silence or for company—these are all signals that deserve attention. Those who have learned to ignore their own needs could practice at least acknowledging them—without immediately judging.
• Writing: Some people find it helpful to write to their inner child—in a letter, a diary entry, or just a few sentences. What would you have needed back then? What would you like to say to yourself today?
• Setting boundaries out of self-care: Boundaries aren’t just protection from the outside world—they’re also a form of self-care. Setting boundaries for yourself (working less, going to bed earlier, saying no) can be a form of inner parenting.

These ideas can be small first steps. Deeper work with the inner child and the reparenting process ideally takes place within the framework of professional guidance.

When the inner critic is louder than the inner nurturing voice

Many people who engage in reparenting sooner or later encounter an inner voice that knows little compassion—the inner critic. It sometimes sounds like a strict parent, sometimes like a societal expectation, and sometimes like a vague inner conviction that one is never good enough. In schema therapy, this would be described as the punitive parent mode.

This inner critic did not arise out of malice. Often, it was originally a coping mechanism: If I criticize myself before others do, I protect myself. If I stay small, I won’t be rejected. These strategies may well have made sense in childhood—but in adult life, they can become a burden.

In their 2007 work on Emotion-Focused Therapy, Elliott and Greenberg described how important it can be to become aware of these inner critical voices—not to silence them, but to meet them with understanding while simultaneously strengthening a new, more compassionate inner voice. This process takes time and can sometimes feel like an inner conflict. That is normal and is okay.

Reparenting and Attachment Experiences: What the Research Suggests

Why do early experiences leave such a deep mark? Attachment research—founded by John Bowlby and further developed by Mary Ainsworth—suggests that early relationships with our caregivers form a kind of internal map: a model of how relationships work, whether we are lovable, and whether the world is safe. These internal working models, as they are called in attachment theory, can influence our experience well into adulthood.

This does not mean that we are forever bound to these early patterns. Research from various psychotherapeutic approaches suggests that new relationship experiences—both with other people and with ourselves—can change these patterns. The concept of “earned security” describes how people can find a more secure inner experience in adulthood even without secure early attachments.

Internal reparenting may potentially be a building block in this process: by learning to experience ourselves as a reliable inner base, the sense of inner security could grow over time. Whether and to what extent this succeeds varies greatly from person to person—and depends, among other things, on one’s own history, on support, and on the willingness to open oneself to this process.

Self-Parenting in Practice: What It Is and What It Isn’t

Self-parenting does not mean putting yourself under constant observation or analyzing every emotional impulse. It is not about being perfectly caring toward yourself—which would hardly be possible anyway. Rather, it is about a fundamental attitude: I take myself seriously. I am on my own side.

It’s also worth noting what reparenting is not:

• It is not a reenactment of childhood—the past cannot be undone, and that is not the goal.
• It is not a reproach against parents—most parents acted to the best of their ability. Reparenting is forward-looking, not a retrospective filled with blame.
• It is not a substitute for professional support—those carrying deep-seated pain can benefit from therapeutic assistance. Reparenting as a concept can be explored in therapy and is often most effective there.
• It is not a quick fix—inner changes take time, repetition, and sometimes even setbacks.

Anyone who recognizes themselves in these themes and notices that inner patterns are placing a heavy burden on daily life might find it a welcoming step to seek professional support—whether in the form of individual or group therapy, counseling, or a guided course.

A Gentle Introduction: How You Could Get Started

If you’re curious about inner reparenting and looking for a way to get started, a simple exercise could be a good place to begin—without pressure, without expectations, just as an exploration.

Perhaps you’d like to take a moment to sit down and imagine what you were like as a child—at an age that comes to mind right now. What does this child look like? How does it feel? What does it need right now? And then: Could you say something to this child—that is, to yourself? Something kind, clear, and sincere?

Some people experience resistance, inner emptiness, or even tears during such an exercise. All of this can happen and is okay. Nothing specific has to happen. It is simply an invitation to encounter yourself in a new way.

For people who want to delve deeper into this topic, schema therapy literature—such as the book Reinventing Your Life by Jeffrey Young and Janet Klosko—can serve as an accessible introduction. Psychological support from professionals who work with schema therapy or emotion-focused therapy can also facilitate this process.

Reparenting as an Ongoing Practice

Reparenting is not a one-time event, but rather a mindset that can develop gradually. It is the daily practice of listening to oneself. The decision to get up early in the morning because sleep is important. The conscious pause when the inner critical voice grows loud. The gentle reminder: I am okay. I am allowed to have needs. I am on my own side.

What Schiff initiated in transactional analysis in 1975 was further developed and deepened by schema therapy and emotion-focused therapy: the conviction that people possess the capacity to nurture and support themselves—even if this capacity must first be learned. Research suggests that this process can influence not only inner experience but also relationships, self-efficacy, and overall well-being.

The best part is: it’s never too late to start. Not with perfection, not with a fixed plan—but with a first, curious look inward.

Your daily companion for inner growth

With the 7zen app, you receive daily coaching impulses, guided breathing exercises and personal reflections - all based on your individual profile.

What exactly is reparenting and for whom could it be helpful?

Reparenting - also known as self-parenting or inner reparenting - describes the process of developing parental qualities such as care, guidance and emotional warmth towards oneself. It can be helpful for people who feel that early experiences influence their current reactions, relationship patterns or self-image - for example through self-criticism, fear of rejection or the difficulty of taking their own needs seriously. Reparenting is not a self-help panacea, but can be helpful in a therapeutic context or as a complementary practice.

Do I have to have had a difficult childhood to benefit from reparenting?

Not necessarily. Reparenting does not require a dramatic or traumatic childhood. Many people grew up with loving parents and yet carry inner beliefs or patterns that burden them - because no one can give perfect care and because development always leaves gaps. Reparenting is more of an invitation to self-care and introspection than a diagnosis or evaluation of one's own history.

Is reparenting the same as working with the inner child?

The two concepts overlap, but are not identical. Working with the inner child is an umbrella term for various therapeutic approaches that deal with early wounded or unused parts of the personality. Reparenting is a more specific method that is particularly anchored in schema therapy and transactional analysis: the aim is to actively encounter the inner child through a caring, adult inner part and to enable new inner relationship experiences.

Can I practise reparenting on my own or do I need therapy?

Initial impulses and self-reflection are also possible without therapy - for example through journaling, mindfulness exercises or consciously practicing self-compassion. However, professional support is recommended for deeper or more stressful issues. Specialists working in schema therapy or emotion-focused therapy are particularly well suited to accompany this process. This article is not a substitute for therapy or counseling.

How long does a reparenting process take?

There is no general answer to this - it is very individual. Some people experience initial changes in their inner experience after just a few weeks of mindful self-awareness. More profound changes to long-established patterns usually require more time, patience and often therapeutic support. Reparenting should be understood as an ongoing practice rather than a completed process with a clear end.

What if I feel numb or cut off inside when I think about self-care?

This experience is more common than you might think and often has a reason: those who have learned to suppress needs or cut off feelings can initially find little access to inner warmth. This does not mean that something is wrong - rather, it can be an indication that protective mechanisms are active. In such moments, it can help to seek professional support instead of probing deeper on your own. Small steps - such as consciously perceiving sensory impressions in the body - can be gentle entry points.

Here’s a prompt for you: Take five minutes tonight and write—without holding back—on a piece of paper: What did I need as a child that I could give myself today? You don’t have to do anything with the answer. Maybe you’d just like to read what comes to mind—and approach that part of yourself with a little curiosity and openness. This can be a first, very personal step toward inner reparenting.